I have decided that I am totally exhausted.  This past spring is one that will live in infamy.   There have been so many stressors sthat I can't exen begin to try to sort them out.  I am just total overwhelmed with the dealings of my fathers estate.

And then there are the events with my dtr.  All I want to do is get a good nights sleep.  I am mentally and physically beat.

I like the colors when they are in bold, but when I selected the purple the bold button disapeared.   I wish I had someone whom I could talk to but not have ;the whole world know of my troubles.   Maybe I need to talk to a shrink.

Monday

Well the computer finally crashed.  That was on Saturday.  It had been "not right" for about a month, and it finally came to the end of the line.

My husband had to delete the remains and redo everything.  The process of redoing took hours.  But now it seems to be doing good.   Who knows how long it will last.  The longest to add back in was the Nortons antivirus.  I would like to know, and can't figure out, why the Nortons didn't catch the problem in the first place.   The message came from the computer stating that the files were "corrupted"

We really didnt lose to much stuff,  just the apers my daughter had done when in high school.  He had initially used a program that sucked the information out of the old computer and installed it in the new.  That was about a year ago and I don't think that was the problem now.  She hasn't used this computer since she wenr to college so we really didnt need that info.

Today is my last day off.  I am oncall tomorrow and then oncall the weekend. I really don't have anything planned, but, I think that I really need to get a life.

Sunday II

I wish this would let you know when you get to the end of the alloted 25,000 characters. I had to start another entry,  And to add to that I forgot what I wanted to add to the journal when I saved the first.

Dont have any plans for tomorrow.  Maybe I will go and visit my parents graves.  I hope there is a hereafter.  Does anyone wonder about that ?

Is there really a life after death or is this all that there is?  It maybe what keeps everyone from being completely evil.

 

Sunday

Went to Cleveland to visit my daughter.   Had to haul up a chest of drawers and drove the ancient station wagon.  It was a luxury model 197,000 miles ago.  It is a Subaru and my husband bought it to drive in the winter.  

It has some rust spots that he is fixing and it drove well.  The only problem is that it doesn't have a CD system and makes a lot of noise with the tires.  They are new and still makes a lot of noise.

Took her out to lunch and talked and did a little of bumming around   The weather has been perfect the past few days.  It was a little chilly in Cleveland.  We found a little park and it is right on the lake.   It bet it is a LOT chilly come December.

I have off on Memorial Day but I will be on call on Labor Day.  The good thing about working a Holiday is that you get paid double time.

Friday

JUST WHEN YOU THINK THINGS CAN'T GET WORSE, SOMETHING COMES UP AND BITES YOU IN THE ASS

Friday

Today is the first of four days off.  One of the imponderables, why do days off go much faster than days worked?   Some of those days at work seem like an eternity.

Yesterday I called my dtr.  Got some cryptic message that the subscriber had requested not to accept any phone calls.   I was in a near panic state.  Her dad sent her a message to call me.   Somehow her phone was out of order and I was unable to get in contact with her.   I hope she got it fixed.  I couldn't get in touch with that area of her phone company.  I was glad to talk to her, it is a real worry when you can't contact someone and fear the worst.     My friend Rosemary hasn't heard from her son (in college) since last Saturday.  She is mad, pissed and worried.  She thinks if she doesn't hear from him she will call the milk carton people. 

 

Some people just dont think that they might be worrying another member of their family or one of their friends when they don't keep in touch.

Tuesday

It took me about 5 minutes to log on to this page.  I am on the new and "worthless" computer.  I have seen faster snails.

Work was uneventful, back in the GI lab doing radiological procedures.  But it was a worthwhile thing for that lady.

I persued the condos at the beach and they are all booked thru the summer.  I would have thought that with the price of gas people would have cut back. But I guess they didn't.  I need somewhere to get away.  I just feel stressed and want to get away.  Don't know what I will do.

That is really about it for today.

Monday part deux

My daughter gets upset when I remind her to do things.  She should look at her track record and realize that about 75% of the time she doesn't do what she is suppose to do.  If it is in any way distasteful or confrantational she will say she forgot.  If she did things in a timely manner and proved herself at it I wouldn't have to remind her.

On another note, if it is something that she considers fun it is done in one nano-second.  She could plan her self to the ends of the earth if she wanted to, if it was something I wanted she would forget to the end of eternity.

mONDAY

This is the second time I started this.  The first wouldnt save and I would like to know what causes that.

My daughter was home for the weekend.  It is so good to see her.   I was depressed the one year that she wasn't able to come home on her birthday.  We went to dinner twoice.  One time to the Shogun and one time to Max and Ermas.  The Shogun is nice, you get to watch a chef catch shrimp tails in his hat.  As well as sword swishing about.  Food was good

 

Thursday

jUST one more day in the week, workwise that is.  Today was uneventful.  Spend the day sedating people for their endoscopic procedures.   They are really grateful that they don't remember that. I know I was when I had a procedue.

My daughter is coming home this weekend.  I will be really glad to see her.  mI think she will be surprised how I cleaned up the mess in the room formally know as "Emilys"

It is her birthday this weekend.  It is on Sunday, which is the day that she was born.  22 years ago.  Just think, if you could put a old head on new shoulders.  I wish I knew then, what I know now.

Tomorrow is not too busy, at least at the time the schedule came out.  Who knows what will happen.

I told her to see if I could adopt the "Mamma" cat that they took to the Humane Society.  She is really a nice cat, but her kittens are too small to leave her.   They need about another month to month and a half.   That really was a sweet cat.  She was black with golden eyes.  Any cat that doesn't put a fight while getting a bath from complete strangers is a VERY GOOD CAT.  I hope we can get her.

Wednesday

 

 

 

 

Back to work today.  My friend Sally told us today that a neighborhood girl, who is 17, had just started her job at a local steakhouse.  Sally asked her how she liked her job and the girl said that she didn't like to work. 

Sally said "Welcome to the world"  I say "Keep your chin up, you only have 45 more years to work" Work today was uneventful.  Just one more day and a Friday night call.   I have a friend Viviam, who started counting down the day she had left with the year 10.  She could tell on any given day, how many more years, months and days she had to go.  Viv has been retirened now for about 5 years and really loves being off.

Nothing else really new.  I am tired waiting to sell campers.  The attorney said that settling this estate (thats euphanism for sure)  will take at least one year.  I found out that the cd'[s intrust are subject to inheritance tax.  The government always has their hands in some poor souls pockets.    And what the gov't does grab the attorneys will next...................................

To Ruth:  You click on the spot that says add your comment and then I have it set up that an email will be sent to my address.  Emily has a site that you can set up a free live journal.  Or add ons might cost you a bit.  I think it is

www.live journal.com  check it out.   I don;'t know how those words came up in blue.

Tuesday, Last Day Off

Today is a rainy, rainy day.  As I peruse the weather map I can see all storm just racing across the NE.  At least it didn't get too hot.

Spent yesterday with my sister cleaning windows at 2327. Guess we could have hired a window company to do that, but, they were so dirty that they would have probably cost a couple of hundred.  Also moved a small chest of drawers to be used by my daughter.  Guess it will save her a few bucks.  To my surprise, I had been hoping, I was able to get it inside the bck seat of my Subaru.I just had to leave the window open because the top of it would have made it with the window closed.

Today we went to pick out the tombstone for my dad.  We got it the same as my mothers.  It will be balanced.  And in place of the rose on hers we got an insignia of the Army Air Corps.  I had told him I was going to put on it "He thought he knew more than the Doctor"  But he said "don't you dare"  So we didnt do that.Althought the thought crossed my mind.  The stone cost almost $1,100. For my mother who died in 95 it was $695.  The cost really went up.  I personall don't care if I have a stone or not.  There was also a fee of $50 for "perpetual care"  The grass where they are buried is about &" long.   So much for the perpetual care and maintance.

 

Monday, Monday

Tomorrow is my last day off.  I can't imagine being bored not working.  You read about people who work into their 70's.  All I can figure is the don't have a life or any outside activities to do. 

Ir rather, they have some cushy job that is not physically or mentally exhausting.   I really don't know ANYONE who is in health care planning to work past retirement age.  The work is physically becoming extremely difficult to do.   We have more and more patients that are the same age as the care takers.   With the increase in obesity the strain and stress on the health care worker is increasing.  I really don't know how much longer I can do it.   One of the hardest thing to do is moving people.  It is virtually impossible to move a bed containing an individual who is 400 or 500 pounds, but, the nurse and caregivers are expected to do that.  I really expect to see an increase in back injuries and disabilities in the next few years in the health care population.

People have no idea what this does to their bodies.  There is an increase in Blood Pressure, hear t disease, diabetes and stress on the joints.  I guess everyone feels that there will be a pill to take to eliminate their prolems./

Feral Cats 2

They are then treated for fleas ticks, mites or what ever else that can be treated and they go back with the person who captured them.  Males can be released that same day and the females kept 24 hours in their cage.   

Never, ever, stick your fingers in the cage of a feral cat because you will get bitten. 

It was an interesting morning.  The opeation went smoothly and was very efficient.  I will go back in one month/

 

Feral Cats

Today was my first day of volunteering the Feral Cat Management Program.  These are feral cats who are homeless.  Someone usually is feeding them but they are too wild to become a pet.

A person will humanely catch the cat and bring him to be neutered.  You have to make and apt and then catch them on the appropriate day.

There are two stations.  They are given their sedation in the cage and then when they are quiet they ae taken out and given rabies, PCN and a long term pain medication.  Some are tested for Feline Leukemia. Only one out of the 60 or so had that today. 

Then the cats are shave prepped, have the operation.  It is more involved for females because of the abdominal incision.

Well, the site accepted the first instalment, yesterday it wouldn't.  Chuck is at work.  Dealing with the nonsick who come to the ER costs the taxpayers a lot of money.  

Some people go to the ER like it was the family MD.  They don't make an apt but waste valuable time in the ER to treat their cold or sniffles that ordinary people would go to the drug store and get some tylenol or cough syrup.

A lot of money is wasted because the same people refuse to go to the doctor and go to the ER because it won't cost them anything.  They will get a bill but they don't pay it when it comes.  And then they get mad because the eral emergencies get preference.   I guess they think it should be like a deli counter and take a number.

Saturday

Why does the entry page always ask what you are listening to?   I like the sounds of silence.

Took a small TV to my brothers for his son to use when he goes to IUP in Aug.  He went to the local community college for 2 years before transfering.  He also worked full time while he was going. 

Went to the mall and walked around.  This is actually a dull day.  The weather is gray and gloomy.  I guess that accounts for my mood.

Friday

It is the second time  that I have started an entry for today.  After typing a few  paragraphs I could not get it to save.  Computers drive me crazy when they dont work. 

The problem may be with the computer itself.  I am now on the "new" computer, which Chuck has spent many hours debugging it.   It seems when you load aol 9.0 everything freezes, dont know why that is................... So I found a disc and he loaded 8.0, which, for now, seems to be working.

Orange is hard to read.  I am halfway done with cleaning my daughters room.  Pitched away a lot of stuff that should have been thrown away 10 years ago.  I need to get her a trash  container as big as a garbage can.  I found things that were broken, tags from clothes, an assortment of pencils and pens from eons ago.  NO MONEY, just a few coins.

Today I mean to finish the job.  Also found were books from grade school and papers from the same era.  I will donate the books to the library for their sale of used books.

Thats it for now..........

Thursday afternoon

Well, spending the afternoon cleaning.   Actually, the room that was formerly my daughters.    I decided that the room needs painted and the rug cleaned.  But to move that furniture is just too big of a job.  I got a new plug put in so I could connect the computer to a three prong outlet.  The former one had the computer connected to the off and on switch on the wall, so you could potentialy lose the stuff on the computer.    Also had Chuck put in and wire the phone outlet.   It was the one that had those old 4 pongs.  Now it is a plug in.  The hardest part was to get him going.  I had to promise not to bother him all the rest of the day.   I did bring out a small cedar chest and put 1 violin and 2 violas in it.  Good place to keep them so they don't get squashed.   The violin is a good one, the violas are student types.  Maybe at some point in time the violas could be donated to a high school for student use.   Emily cold do that and take it as a deduction on her income tax at some future point in time.

There is just so much "stuff".  I seem to be the only one in the family that can pitch stuff out.   All of the toys and stuffed things are going in the attic in a box.   The kid type books are going to the library and the older type books will have to be gone thru by my daughter.  The library is a good place to donate them.

This week has just been like July.  I thought it would have been cooler.

I am frustrated by the way the progress on the estate is going.  Everyone says "I can fix the RV" but no one gives me a date to do it.  I am really leaning toward donating it to the Goodwill.  It is only worth about $1,000 and who knows what the repairs will cost.   I plan not on leaving my daughter with any outstanding messes like the one I have.

Back to work

Thursday

Its Thursday and I have been off for 7 days.  Don't feel like going back to work.  Chuck said he got depressed the instant he had to set the alarm for tomorrow morning.  Spun a lot of wheels but nothing seems to get finalized.

2327 still looks like no one had done anything with it and we put massive amounts of garbage out for the trashman.   I am also upset about the window cleaner.  I have called and left messages for him to come and clean my windows and he hasnt returned my call.  I find that frustrating.  If you don't want to do it, jsut call and say so.  Guess I will look for a new person today.

Went to visit my daughter, I think she will make it on her own if she gets a job.  She seems to procrastinating on doing that.  Told her to go to the post office and get an application, but she seems to be reluctant.  She puts out a few resumes or fills out applications and then sit and waits for them to call her.  She doesnt realize that you really have to HUSTLE to find one.  

Dont know when her money will run out.   It will run out fast if you have no income.  I guess you can tell she wasn't an economics major. 

Don't know how long the money in my dads account will last either.  Everyone gives advice but there is no action.  Except for my brother Richard who has helped a lot with getting rid of stuff.

 

Sunday Mothers Day BFD

Well, it is early afternoon.  I just planted flowers in my containers.   I hope this years look better than last years. The problem with the greenhouse is that they have no BR, so I didnt really get to look at things  that I would have liked to.

I am off all week.  I wish I had gone away somewhere, because I feel like I need a vacation.  It is hot outside and in 2 to 3 hours it will be hot inside. 

I really thought that the last guy that looked at the RV would buy it, but, not one call.  I will give it one week and then call the Goodwill and donate it.   I wonder what do they do with this stuff??  He had an auto body place and seemed really interested in it, but, so..........................Dad really left us with a lot of troubles................................

Don't see how my brother will be able to be self supporting in that house. 

 

Saturday

Still Saturday, as if it was going somewhere.  Went to Target, the bank and the Mall.  felt like spending money.  Bought a pair of shoes, a purse, and pair  of summer slacks and 2 CD's.

Walked around the mall a few times and had lunch at Mozzarellas.  They ahd a very nice Greek Salad, with the usual salad stuff and toppd with Feta cheese.   That is good in small doses, but too much and it will be overwhelming.

Then we went out to eat.  I would like to try somewhere new but, my husband want to go the same place.  Although he asked if I wanted to go somewhere else.   Tomorrow will be a madhuse at the restaurants.  Guess I will cook dinner myself.

Nothing special planned for Mothers Day.  Just another day, really.  I get tired of eating the same old thing, you would tink that a person with a lot of cookbooks would have a different dinner every day........................

Saturday

Thought I might experiment with color.  I am trying to decide whether to sign up for the painting class this summer.  I really like the teacher, but, her style is so tight and precise.  I like someone who is free and easy in their technique. (of painting that is)  I need to do something.  I am tired of working and have been for a while.  Quite a while.

I perused the "volunteer match" and found two possibilities.  I spoke with Lisa, who was the coordination of the feral cats neutering project.  The cats are trapped, given an injection for anesthetizing them and then they are neutered.  After that they are given PCN, rabies, and treat anyother condition that they may have and then released back into their colonies.  Their ear is clipped a bit, so you know that they have been fixed.  Maybe we should start a programs on stupid males and females and do this.  Just kidding, but after working in a hospital I have seen some that REALLY should be out of the gene pool.

The other thing I was interested is a placein town that has a "photographic" museum.  A person would learn how to resore and preserve and catalogue antique photos.  I would like to learn to do that because I want to do that to my own photos.  I would really like to learn how to scan and then record them on a disc and give them to my siblings.

Tomorrow is mothers DAy, I really do miss my mother.  I hope there really is a hereafter and she is up there.

 

Friday ii

I wish also that this journal, which has 25,00 characters limit that you can write would have a mechanism to show how many of those are exhausted.  One time I wrote a lot only to have the journal tell me it was too many.

I still would like to know why.  She can' (or won't) tell me what was the deciding factor in staying in OH instead of coming back to PA.  I know that will remain one of the least understood, and mysterious things in my life.   I am still so sad about it. I am still crying when I think about.   Wish I had someone I could talk to about my sadness.  Guess I will talk to myself.

Friday

I am still using the old computer.  Seems the new is still not working.  He downloaded patches and ran the Norton, that, to me, is about useless.  How could a person be having so much troule and have viruses that are named in the Trojan worm line up and you can see and deleat them, but they do not show up on the virus can.  BTHOM

Today was a gray and gloomy day, the weather matched my mood.  I cleaned the whole house.  Or at least the main floor.  The cleaning didnt do anything to elevate how I feel. If I feel like this much longer I would really consider antidepressants. 

I can't believe how much a persons life can change in one week.  One day everything is happy and a week later  I am not happy at all.    The main problem is that I really wanted to go to my daughters colege graduation, but she doent feel the need to do that.  I really, really wanted to see her walk and get her diploma.  I think that is because when I finally got my degree I was in my early thirties and it seemed totall useless to go to mine, so I didn't.

 

Thursday

This has been one of the longest weeks of my life.  I am off for about a week and a half.   Tooks off the week after my daughters graduation, thought maybe we could have gone somewhere.  Did not really make any solid plans.

Tomorrow I have to wait for a shed to arrive.  After 32 years we are finally getting a garden shed.  I think it was because I kept hitting the snow blower with my car door.  I had to pull up close to the work bench in order to open the car door.   I will be glad when most of that stuff us in "the shed"  Maybe I shouldnt be so happy, because I don't know how long it will take him to put it up.

Monday, I am taking my brother to set up a bank account.  Don't know how that will go. He is only off on Mondays, and I have off this Monay.

I feel exhausted........................maybe a nap is in order.

Going to visit my daughter but don't know what day it will be.

 

why???? II

I always felt we had a good relationship.  Even some of my friends told me that they envied the relationship I had with my daughter.  I had arranged to move her out of college and was going to go up this graduation weekend.  I wonder when she was going to tell us that she wsn't coming home?

I feel so empty and a complete failure as a mother.

 

why??????????

This has to go down as the second worst day of my life.  The worst was 9 years ago when my mother died.  I still miss her so much, I still wish I could call her and talk to her.

I found out via the teller of the bank that my daughter has been in town.  I had gone in just to see why my checks for my fathers estate account hadn't been included in the staement when the teller told me he had met my daughter.

I called her to find what was going on, and she told me that she wasn't coming home.   I can not find words to express how hurt I felt

saturday

Well, I was really surprised to find that western PA had a toxic solution clean up.   I was trying to clean out my fathers basemsent and found all kinds of flammable things.  It was really well run, and only cost me $18 dollars.  My only concern was riding in the car with the flammables in the trunk.  Thank goodness no one him me from behind.

Had a call about the old RV.  I just put a sign in the window, and the man will come to look at it tomorrow.

On an unpleasant note, I found out that things "in trust" still has to be paid inheritance tax.   I wouldnt feel so bad about paying taxes, but, in general I feel that the government (Fed, state, and local) wastes my money for the most part.  I bet if I took a survey, I would find that most people feel that way too.