Sunday..........thinking

Maybe I think too much on a subject.  I am still overcome with the events of my fathers death.  I really never expected him to go that quickly.  When you hemorrage, you really do go that fast.  They could have never gotten him to the OR, really all you have is aabout 5 minutes tops.  And if he were unsonscious he would have had brain damage.

Maybe I need to talk to someone professional.  I have to look into that, but at this point, one week after he died I really think I need to talk to someone.  Even thought not being ressusitated was what he wanted.  I also feel that if it had been me that would have been my decision too.  Especially at 85 and felt that my life was complete, as he did.

Going to go thru his clothes today with my siblings.  Dont know what to do about my brother, T, dhe has it in his head that he wants to get an apartment.  He has some learning disabilities and has a job that makes about 22K pr year.  Doing food prep and the like.  He says he doesn't want to stay at the family home because he doesnt want to cut grass.  Maybe he is depressed too?????

 

Part 2

That evening I got a call from my brother.  He was having nice visit when my dad said that he didnt feel good, and he was naseous.   He then threw up massive amounts of blood.  

The doctor wanted to intubate him and put him on the ventilator.  My father did want resusitation.  It was in his living will.  If he couldnt be like he was before he wanted no parts of it.  They were "bagging" him He had aspirated and wasnt breathing.  We let his wished stand and nature took its course.

We planned the funeral.  He wanted everything exactly like my moms.  But dad, we just couldn't bury you in a pink casket.  The service was nice.  He had a military escort and they played Taps and he had an American Flag covering the casket. 

I hope heaven does exist and he is with my Mother.  I often wonder if it is real or is dead, dead!!!!!!!!!!!

They found out with this massive and fatal bleed that he had a Dieulafoy lesion, which is a large submucosal artery that erodes thru the lining of his stomach.  It is to be suspected in people who had bleeds for which they can find no cause.   He has only been doing this for 1 year.  What can you do.

its over

I tried to do this before but there is no way I know how to figure out how many characters I have used. 

It is all over now.  Last 3/13 he had another bleed and was admitted to the Medical Center from the Psych unit.  He had another Gastric bleed.  He was in the icu for 3 days and then on the general floor. 

My sister went to visit him and he was in a good mood.  Said everyone gets "their" money.  He wasnt confused at all. He was scheduled to go back to GeroPsych for treatment of his depression

What is the world was he thinking????

Well, yesterday was an epic one.   My elderly father jumped on my case the minute I walked into the rehab center.   He has been there for 3 days.  

I got disowned and thrown out the first 5 minutes that I was there.   He assused me of putting him there.  I asked him, how he planned to take care of himself when he goes home?  He had no answer.  But it was all my fault.   Well, I left and then he gave my sister a verbal lashing and by then the social worker was in on it.  Well, he made the BIG mistake and said he wanted to kill hijmself.   That was it he got hmself 302'd  in the psych unit.

His behavior has always been one of volitility.  I didn't realize till I became an adult that it wasn't normal.   He still tries to control everyone, he could be king of the world , if some one would let him. 

Well, my siblings and I are just at our wits ends on  how to handle this.  He doesn't want to get better he wants to die...   I just don't know what to do on top of the fact that he doesn't want to see me again, and I am the cause of all his troubles.   I don't believe it myself but it makes for a lot of tension.........

What??

I thought I set this up for color but one of the mysteries of life I where does this stuff go?  I chose a rose bckground and some other things but when I came back here it was plain old white.  Do I need a computer degree from CMU to run this thing?

On growing older part 2

Try to write this last evening but somehow the cat (Molly) got behind the desk where the computer sits and pulled the plug.

Got my dad settled in the SNF (skilled nursing facility).  He was ok initially and then a metomorphis occured.   When we got him there he couldn't even walk a step without assistance.   It took 3 of us to get him to the br.  A male pca got him all settled on the pot.

Then he started to fuss about "this not being right"  And by the end of a half an hour it was my, my sister, and the doctors fault that he was there and we should have talked to him first.  This was all discussed with him for 2 days, and he was agreeable.   He goes in and out of being confused, which is common with crainotomy patients.  Well, now he is mad at the world. 

I had to get the head nurse to talk to him.  The physical therapist came and talked about working with him to get him moving.   Then after she left he tolm that "you are the one who needs exercise, not him"   My brother who went in the evening said he was still mad and Richard asked him "Can you cdlimb stairs here?  Can you climb then at Home?"  Her said "no",   Then Richard said that is why you are here/  

The children wanted to put a bathroom in on the first floor, but he refused to let us do that.  I think he is just in denial on that one.   He will just have to use the porta-potty.   Or maybe he doesnt care than he falls down the steps and cracks his head again.

I find this very frustrating.  My father is the typical "Ultra" type A, He needs to be incharge of everything, including his children who are in their 40's and 50's.

He also refused to eat his supper there because he was still POed at the world.   At least I ate my supper at home.  He also refused to talk to the doctor and the nurses.

 

On growing older

It has again been a long time since I wrote in here.   My concerns have been my elderly father, who is 85.  Up until about 1 year ago, he was in good health.  Last spring he started to have a gi bleed which he was vomiting blood and his hemoglobion (hgb) dropped to around 10.  He has all kind of studies but after a gastroscopy and a colonoscopy the source of the bleeeding could not be found. 

Then in the fall he had another episode and his hgb was down to 6.  He was again admitted and then had blood and cat scans.  It was determined that he had a lot of nasal polyps, so they were removed.  He also had another gastroscopy and nothing found. 

This time, a week ago, he passed out at the kitchen table and vomited blood again.   He went to the ER and they also had a head cat scan, and he had been falling and had two subdural hematomas.  So, he had them drained (burr holes) and another gastroscopy and 5 units of blood.  This time they found a AVM in his stomach, (rteriovenous malformation)  I read the literature and they can also be in the smal bowel and colon.  His GI guy said that it was about 1/3 inch in diameter.  His bleeding has stabelized and he is too weak to go thru a colonoscopy this time.

Getting him ready for discharge.  He has to have rehab since he hasnt walked for a week.  He wants to die.  He said your perspective changes when you get old.  He missed my mother and he said he knows he will only go downhill.   I think a lot of the older people feel like this.  He wants to know why he is still living, for what reason.  I have no answer to give him.  He will now fill out his living will with a DNR.  and get power of attorney.  I wonder if I will feel the same way when I am at that age.  I know now if I were in the position that I required a vent or feeding tube I wouldnot want resussitated myself.   I feel so bad for him and I can do nothing.  If that is depression I really don't think medication is the answer for people who are very old and are ready to go........................................