Tuesday

Anxiety is the space between the 'now' and the 'then.' "

The anxiety of the then was not knowing what was going on and knowing the end probably wasn't   going to be good.   The then was making a decision (whether ration or irrational) and going with it.  And hoping it will be better.

I have my schedule for the next two weeks.  They REALLY do have enough help.   The part I like is that I can work 35 hours and maintain by full time benefits.   Right now I do not want to take call.    After taking call for 35 years I can truly say I am tired of it, I want to sleep in my own bed and have weekends and holidays off.   I do not want to take any more holidays.........Maybe last Thanksgiving was my last.

I got a new TV for the bedroom.   I had a Zenith (do they still make them??) that was older than dirt.  It had belonged to my husbands cousin Jimmy who passed away about 4 years ago.  He could repair TVs so who knows how old it was?????      When we pluggedthe new one in it was so clear and bright.   I could not believe it.      It had a built in DVD player as well as a VHS.   I think the tapes have gone the way of the cassette player but it is there.  We still have a few of those old tapes.

I guess now I can get things done this week that I was unable to do for the past month. 

Went to Johnstown with my daughter because it was suppose to have a few flurries.   It was a nightmare.   There were 4-5 inches of snow there and the only clear road was the Turnpike/Interstate.   When I got off at New Stanton, the roads had never been touched and I fishtailed and slid when I make a turn onto the final road home.   The state PENNDOT sure missed the boat on that one.  Even with the AWD it didn't do much on the ice except slide like everyone else.

 

 

Sunday

Good grief!!!!!!!!!  I have been sleeping well for the past two nights.   I woke up this morning and it was 7 am.   Can you believe it.   I was almost to the point of asking my doctor for some sleeping medication. 

This week off and then back to work.   I was able to do some cleaning and sorting of Emilys clothes.   With her approval of course.......

I haven't gotten any emails.  I can just imagine the brouhaha on the message board.   It is not an exchange of information, it is an exchange of rants and raves.   And I don't really give a shi* what they say about me.  They are in denial.   I don't know what they expect to appear in the job situation, but come this summer there won't be one avaliable.

 

Satruday

I feel relieved and exhausted.   I made a decision to leave my present employer and go back to the hospital.   Somehow, I feel we have been a pawn in a power struggle.  The interlopers in the group think they are going to go back.  It is not going to happen.   They also expected a  mass exodus from those two hospitals and it didn't happen.   You can't employ a huge anesthesia group in a few surgicenters.    I am not going to relocate either.   I have worked at the same hospital since 1989and I can continue there for the next two and a half years. 

I found a little hospital in the city that I could have been happy working at, but I can't do the commute.   Rush hour traffic starts at three and lasts till six or there about.    I hate bumper to bumper jams.  A person never gets out on time to be able to leave before the trafic tie up.

My other alternative would have to do drugs.  I was heading down the path to Xanax.

Wenesday

I really haven't been up to date on this journal.   Just the usual frustration of the job situation.    Maybe I will  hit on the power ball and won't have to work.     Well, honestly, that is plan Z.     But somebody will win.  

At my age it is better to take the lump sum and spend it.   Who know if I will be here for 20 more years.   I plan it but of course, life sometimes has other plans.  I will spend it before my daughter has a chance to squander it herself.

 

Frida;y

You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do."
- Olin Miller

I guess that is true because there are a lot that I don't give a hoot about.   I really don't care what they think.    I have had a whole week off.   But it hasn't been relaxing at all.   I thought the stress would be relieved, but it has just been replaced by more stress.

I want just to get thru the next 2 1/2 years.   When my group signed the contract a year ago I thought that will take me to retirement.   But it didn't happen this way.  What do I want to do.  At the last rah rah meeting when the pres got up and spoke he lead me to believe that there were inklings of that maybe this wasn't going to work...and if they came up with a good offer maybe we should take.   That doesn't sound like the words of a man who thought he was going to win.     What will they do?????   Are we all going to be dropped in May????   I honestly don't believe either group when the tell us what they are going to do for us.   I think they are both not telling us the truth. 

This is requiring some serious soul searching..........who to believe and where to go.   I am tired of taking call.   I hate being captured at the hospital.   I don't want to drive a long way to work.    I wish I had a crystal ball and could see the future.  

 

Thursday

We are endeavoring, too, to reduce the government to the practice of a rigorous economy, to avoid burdening the people, and arming the magistrate with a patronage of money, which might be used to corrupt and undermine the principles of our government.
Thomas Jefferson

I see they haven't been able to accomplish this in a few hundred years.

"Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem."
John Galsworthy

Sunday

After a weekend of wineing and dining I am back home.   My group gave the CRNA's who stood by the group a getaway  weekend.   It had informational meetings in the morning and PALS/ACLS in the afternoon.   What to do is the question.   We have a "severance" type of arrangement plus a bonus that we will get in the spring.

So, who knows what I will do.....Some people are just taking a break.   I am mentally exhausted and need some time off too.   Haven't decided what to do next.....the only thing I can say is this dispute had skyrocketed the salaries in the Pittsburgh area which have traditionally lagged behind the rest of the country.

Who knows what the spring will bring.